Tears are streaming down my face as I am trying to find the strength to type this devastating update and get this post OVER. WITH. Today isn't good.
Our 3 beautiful embryo did not have a good report. The nurse called us Thursday and told us the test results showed that all 3 were abnormal. Abnormal means we will not be going back to Denver. Abnormal means they will not be able to transfer any of them into me for a healthy pregnancy.
We don't know what any of this means. Abnormal could mean they have extra chromosomes (like our baby girl did back in April) or maybe they are missing chromosomes. These are the answers we will be waiting to hear from our doctor when he calls for a "re-group."
We had just pulled up to Aideyn's football game Thursday night @ Copiah Academy when the nurse called. We were both speechless, squeezed hands and just sat in my car trying to comprehend everything. How is this happening? Why would HE take all 3 of these babies from us. This was our last IVF attempt and we knew with certainty that it was "the one." Nic was visibly upset and I was just numb. We thought about turning around and driving home but we made a promise to Aideyn. We stayed, the Flashes won, 14-0 and we got to see Aideyn play in his new jersey with Nic's #63.
Several of you have texted to check on us and/or remind us that you are "praying for the 3 embryo" and it absolutely breaks my heart to have to share the devastating news with you. I know you all want this for us as bad as we want this for us. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU. Hang with us. We aren't sure what the journey ahead looks like but we do have faith that God is soon going to reveal something pretty amazing.
Many of you have called, asked to come over and hug our necks or come and just be a shoulder to cry on but I don't think we are ready just yet. I'm personally not in a good place right now. I just need space to exhale & grieve. We woke up early this morning, had coffee and watched Netflix but realized neither of us are very focused. I took the dogs walking and Nic started cutting the yard. When I got back, I started vacuuming the attic (odd, I know) and then found myself sitting on a dusty chair crying again. This is hard. The numbness is wearing off and reality is kicking in.
Fear can paralyze us. It makes the gap between where we are and trusting God seem impossible. But God doesn't want us to stay paralyzed in fear. He has equipped us with comfort and reassurance. Over and over through the bible, he tells us not to fear. "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" 1 Peter 5:7
When someone texts "how are you," it is very uncomfortable for me to respond with the truth so just know if you text asking how I am and then never get a reply- I'm grieving the best way I know how and will reach back out when I'm better.
I am so broken right now but my trust is in HIM. I will use this hurt for good. Feelings are indicators, not dictators. Our pain and suffering isn't supposed to hurt us, it is supposed to save us... save us from a life where we are self reliant (separated from God). We sometimes forget how needy we are until we go through pain.
We are to consider it pure joy when we go through trails because the testing of faith develops inside of us. We are all experiencing disappointment every. single. day. We are either trying to heal from a disappointment, dealing with a disappointment or headed to a disappointment.
We are doing everything we can to process all of this- there is a lot of emotion and a lot of pain. Please keep sending prayers up for us!
XOXO
Kelly
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